Poem: 小的要求 (A Small Request)

分心的我,你现在哪里?

孤独的你,请找到me。

浪漫的我,不要想多的梦,

王侯的你,请不要让我等。

♥黄绮思

Pinyin version of poem above:

Fēn xīn de wǒ, nǐ xiànzài nǎlǐ?

Gūdú de nǐ, qǐng zhǎodào me.

Làngmàn de wǒ, bùyào xiǎng duō de mèng,

Wánghóu de nǐ, qǐng bùyào ràng wǒ děng.

Rough translation of poem above:

Distracted me, where are you?

Lonely you, please find me~

Romantic me, do not dream too much,

Princely you, please do not make me wait.

During a short break at work that required me to just stand still and watch over the store, I was so bored that I started drawing and writing poetry. I was writing English poetry when I just thought of a few random and simple Chinese words and made them into a poem. Original one has been edited to mean something better, and to sound much better. I feel sort of pleased, considering it’s in Chinese (albeit very simple) and also because I just miss my poetry writing days. It’s amazing how sometimes, the days you feel the most BLAH, are days where you are inspired to write.

There’s nothing in what I wrote that has to do with anything I’m feeling or experiencing right now. But I guess a part of me that just wants to grow up and be realistic, is fighting a side of me that wants to stay naive and romantic.

Maybe I just dreamt it…

I wrote this poem a few days ago, April 20, just as I was about to go to bed at around 1 in the afternoon. Not kidding. I couldn’t fall asleep. As I was dozing off, I heard a horn in the distance, like a horn from a port or a ship, which is odd since I don’t live near the sea. It might have been from a building nearby, I’m not quite sure. Now that I think about it, I cannot recall what it sounded like exactly. I don’t think I was dreaming though, anyways…sharing…

Horn in the Distance, by yours truly.

A horn blows in the distance,
yet I am nowhere near the sea.
Where I live,
no ships make port
and no sounds, such as what I heard
can ever be heard.
Yet there it is again,
the horn that blows in the distance.
I do not know if I am awake or asleep
and as I lay where I am,
the sound seems but a dream to me.
As if calling me.
The horn,
it is not an ordinary horn.
I do not think myself delusional
but it stops, then starts again,
as if calling my name.
I cannot awaken, nor can I fall into slumber.
Stuck, between consciousness and unconsciousness.
As if, as if it is pulling me.
With every word it makes,
calling to me, calling to my soul,
it beckons me nearer.
Slowly, I feel weary,
yet I no longer am.
It called to me,
I heard it and answered.
Do you hear it?
The horn that blows in the distance.

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Tears for the Heart

Sometimes, most of the time, it’s hard being alone and enduring pain alone. We tend to think we’re alone, but friendships are important because when we have friends with us, things don’t seem to be as hard as they they used to. Having friends around is really a great thing.

The great thing I’ve come to learn from my philosophy class and from life experiences, is that we sometimes have to endure pain to be able to learn new things. Not everything “evil”/painful that happens to us, is necessarily something which won’t produce something good. And yet, each painful thing hurts, sometimes so badly that we just want it to go away, and sometimes we wish that it had never happened. But after a while, those painful things just don’t hurt anymore, and we become stronger people.

Human life. There is so much to it.

In other news, just finished writing a poem…hope you guys like it. Leave your comments/critiques below.

Let my tears fall on the seed
from where my heart shall grow again.
Let the pain and the hurt
bring forth a stronger heart
that won’t wither quickly
when it is no longer loved.
Let it grow taller than ever before,
let it grow bigger and wider
and let it cover more ground.
Let this heart reach high,
high into the sky,
let it dream immense dreams
and be loved by many people.
So if ever it one day withers again,
let not my tears be the only one
nurturing the seed;
let those it has loved,
and those that had loved it in return
give birth to a stronger heart.

Looking back and forward a year

Despite the fact that I realized today as the beginning of May, it didn’t occur to me that May 1 = Labor Day = today. Good grief. Headpalm! Exactly a year ago, I was in Shenzhen China with my friends, and we spent our May 1 vacation going around parts of the city, most especially to the Windows of the World. It was one of the best places I have visited so far, considering it had all the wonderful places around the world, in just one area.

Looking back, it makes me realize how badly I miss my “Zhuhai” family. Those 6 weeks in China last summer were one of the best trips I’ve ever had. I was free, independent, able to study and learn in an open environment, and best of all, I was with a great group of friends. Recently, I’ve been discussing with my parents that I’ve actually considered the possibility of me taking a teaching job in China (or Taiwan or HK). China being my main goal, though I’m despairing a bit at China banning blogs such as these (and plurk) which I cannot live without. Either way, it’s the best possible opportunity for me to learn and earn at the same time. Yes, deduct one letter and my learning experience can also become my earning experience. That’s if, I don’t find a scholarship to take further studies in that area.

Thing is, I don’t have the funds to have my graduate studies paid for, most especially not abroad (with the cost of tuition + living expenses and whatnot) so unless I find a scholarship or a job, my parents aren’t letting me off. I don’t have much of a choice, do I? Staying here in the Philippines would be good, but I wouldn’t be able to learn Mandarin. And with my degree, that’s the first thing I have to get better at if I plan on working here.

I still have a year, but it’ll be the longest and shortest year of my life. It’ll be the year, the rift between the real adulthood (aka working life), and naive adulthood (aka student’s life).

For now, I leave you with a poem I finished writing an hour and a half ago, whose inspiration came while I was in the shower. Yes, a weird place to be inspired.

Unslumbered

Oh cruel is the waking morn
whose appearance looms just beyond
and in whose rising one remembers
the cruelty of a night filled
with tossing and turning
Oh woe the bright sun
whose rays shine behind the clouds
good-bye to the moon’s white glow
and a promise of endless dreams
as limitless as the star-filled sky
Oh detest the crowing rooster
whose sounds awaken to a new day
his greeting to the dawn is another farewell
to the silent night where everyone but one
slumbers

(c) Christa Uymatiao 2009