In less than 28 hours (as of this post) it’ll be time to leave for Beijing. There’s a lot that has been happening, especially losing net so close to my departing (deprived of the ability to blog) and my dad arriving home just in time (from Xiamen) to see me leave for Beijing. Been feeling a lot of emotions, like excitement, confusion, fear and apprehension. Part of me wants to back out this very minute, to bow to fear and decide that I just don’t want to go. I could stay here in the Philippines, just rest, maybe find some work or go work for the family business in the province. Another part of me just wants to leave, to escape, to reach out to the unknown. This part of me that needs to seek, to find, to touch, to feel and to experience, all the new things that China will surely bring.
It is very confusing really, these two opposing emotions. It doesn’t help that a lot of things seem to be warning me against going, like my getting coughs, colds and a sore throat days hours before I leave. Or my dog(s) dying situation. And now, this thing about the Hong Kong tourist bus siege that’s getting the whole China and Philippines in an uproar. All these signs, are not really helping at all. I’m trying to stay positive, to think about the possibilities, but a part of me doubts myself and my ability to learn Mandarin. I want to, but I am limited – that’s what my heart is saying. I am only so much.
I really want to get this over with. This whole flying out, landing, preparations, adjusting to the environment….it’s all so overwhelming. At least, one part of me that is really glad, is the part that knows I’ll have friends with me to endure these first few weeks with. If I was in China alone, I don’t think my body could take it. Also glad to have discovered a few other High School friends going to Beijing, albeit they’ll be heading to different schools (though they are in the same vicinity as mine).
Still, there is comfort in knowing that I am not alone.
Here’s to this next big adventure. This might be my last post before I leave for Beijing, as the net has been a little flaky for the last few days and things could happen and I can lose my net tomorrow. This could also be my last post in a while, until I find a way to access wordpress from within the Great Firewall.
Cheers to my readers (if I have any out there XD) or those who happen upon my blog.
Below is a poem I wrote a few days ago. It’s just a compilation of some feelings/emotions/thoughts that have been going through my mind recently.
ever closer, ever deeper,
but merely fiction.
Struggling to escape
it pours into me
and out of me.
I cannnot think,
but I can write.
I can feel the words
at my fingertips,
in my head, in my mind, on my lips.
Surge of emotions and thoughts,
aligned but confused,
organized but distraught.
Too much, too little, too late.